A Gnostic Childhood    
Part V 

Berlin 1947 - 1948

Having missed about three-quarters of a year in school, I was told by my mother that I had to do the third grade over again, which made me sick in heart and soul. I had my friends and my beloved Mrs. Ziegle as teacher and couldn't bear the loss of them and the embarrassment of staying back one year. Begging my mother and promising that I would study real hard, my mother managed to convince the principal to let me remain in the third grade class of Fraulein Ziegle. As it turned out in the coming school years, this was a big mistake because I couldn't catch up with the curriculum, especially in arithmetic, which would later prove devastating for the rest of my life. But, at the moment, I had won a victory and was happy to return to my old class.

 Around this time I experienced a tremendous increase in my psychic development and saw visions of people and war occurrences on a constant basis.
 Especially at night, just before falling asleep I would see a barrage of pictures which often scared me to death. These visions are buried deep in my soul and I only remember some of them vaguely. Perhaps it was to protect myself that these, often horrible visions, disappeared from my conscious memory. Sometimes even a school trip by S-Bahn to the Grunewald, which is a large forest in Berlin, threw me into a sudden state of sensitivity to my surroundings which brought me flashes of visions which often scared me or made me feel very depressed.
 I never mentioned these experiences to anyone, because I knew instinctively that nobody would understand and that others would perhaps even laugh at me and call me crazy.
 My fear of ridicule and embarrassment had developed into a full fledged case of an inferiority complex which would remain with me through my entire life.
 These psychic visions didn't help me in the least as I, deep down, felt like I must be crazy or at least very "odd," and that other people would noticed this and think of me as a "freak."
 Thus I came to consider myself more and more as an "outsider" who carried a secret with him, which, if discovered, would humiliate him beyond imagination in the eyes of classmates, friends and family. Yet, I also felt in a strange sense "superior" to my friends and even to most adults. This was not so much a conscious awareness, as it was an inner certainty which every once and a-while would come to my rescue when I felt completely useless and overcome with self-doubt. 

       
Jesus Christ

              This is the picture of Jesus Christ which touched me the most. It is from "the book" which is probably the most influential book of my childhood and later life.

 Under the pressure of conflicting emotions, psychic visions and my ever present inferiority complex, I turned more and more to books and magazines for escape.
 My grandparents had a book-shelf full of books in the hallway of their apartment and I often went through it looking at the titles and trying to discern what they were all about if I was able to read the words and understand their meaning.   Many of the books and magazines there had to do with early aviation and must have belonged to my missing uncle Harry. I liked to look at them and imagine myself being able to build and fly these strange looking planes. 
 One book in a green cover caught my attention, because it was full of pictures which touched me deeply. It was a Catholic religious primer, a school book teaching children about "God" and a savior named "Jesus Christ." And it is this Catholic catechism which would become one of the most influential books in my spiritual development. 

 I was drawn Instinctively to explore the pictures and laboriously read this book with the developing zeal of a fanatic. Especially the drawings of Jesus and the story of his love and compassion seemed to make me aware of something beyond the limited range of childhood awareness as I read about and suffered the beatings he received from the soldiers and high-priests at the time of His crucifixion. Reading about Jesus mystically carried me into a dimension which explained the evils of this world to me, which I could already relate to because of my own suffering.
 Whenever the pain of life and the feelings of my own inferiority as an 'outsider' became too much for me to bear, I would read the story of Jesus' suffering which would make me cry and sob from the depth of my young heart and soul.
 Jesus was my friend, confessor and savior in the truest sense of the word.
This love of Jesus has never changed through the years and is as strong today as it was then.
Perhaps I am more jaded now, but then, in 1947-48, I experienced Jesus without prejudice, doubt or criticism.
 
 When my mother died in 1980 and I went to Berlin from the United States in order to dissolve her household, I found this cherished book again and brought it back to America with me. Hoping to re-connect to it's deep emotional impact which it had on me as a child, I was somewhat disappointed when I looked at it again after so many years and didn't feel much at all.
 Nevertheless, this book is the book of my life in a mystical sense and I only wished that I could experience the same "mystical" state of unconditional awareness now, as I did when I read it as a child.

         These pictures are taken from "the book" which has the German title: "Biblische Geschichte fur das Erzbistum Breslau," published in 1930 by Herder & Co. GmbH, Freiburg im Breisgau.

At that time, reading the book, I wanted nothing more than to become a disciple of this "Jesus" who inspired me to live a life according to his teachings as I understood them as an eight year old boy.
 My mother and grandparents became worried that I would end up, at such a young age, with a mental disease called, "Religionswahn," which, roughly translated means something like "religious mania."
 True, I was on my way to become a fanatic, but something within me has all through my life protected me and guided me through the dangers of the spiritual path.
 The simplicity of Jesus and his teaching and His suffering on the cross for all mankind was in my heart and soul, not denominational concepts or theological doctrine of which I knew nothing at the time and for which I still have no use nor patience.
 My mother was religious in a very broad and un-denominational sense which in German would be called "Gottglaubig," which simply means that she believed in God, but was otherwise not connected to any doctrine or denominational faith.  What my grandparents believed in, I don't really know. Although I assume that, because of my grandfather's 'Socialism,' he didn't really believe in anything of that nature.
 Thus it is quite understandable that they all were quite puzzled and disturbed by my constant talk of Jesus and my clumsy attempts to emulate Him.
 How should they deal with this behavior in an eight-year old? Wasn't I already 'peculiar,' with my inferiority complex and sometimes odd questions?
Eventually they must have decided to 'let it ride,' and see what would happen, because I don't remember them trying to ridicule or discourage me in any way, except for occasionally trying to explain to me that what one reads in a book doesn't necessarily mean it is true.
 Yet nothing could take away from me my love and admiration for Jesus.
Being willful by nature and not easily dissuaded from my beliefs, it would have been hopeless anyhow for anybody to force me or attempt to convince me to change my ideas. Most likely it would have resulted in the opposite and led me an a path of actual fanaticism.

 Until I read this book I had a strong desire for possessions and money. Always trying to get money from everybody in my family and even strangers and constantly counting it and straightening the paper bills, my grandfather often joked and called me a "kaupler" and little Jew. -I should mention here that my grandfather was neither a "racist," nor an "Anti-Semite," and that such talk meant really nothing more than that Jews were excellent business people and bankers.
Sure, there were jokes at the expense of Jews, the same as there are jokes about the peculiarities of Germans or other nationalities and races, but I don't think this as wrong or evil. As long as it is just good-natured observation and needling, without hatred.
 I have been called names like "kraut" and even "nazi" here in the United States and it never bothered me at all, because I know that this is what people immediately think when they find out about my German origins. What is the big deal? It's all part of our human experience and usually these people learned to recognize me by my own personality and character, often telling me, after feeling comfortable with me, that I just didn't fit their image of Germans.
 Of course, their 'image' of Germans was molded by the allied propaganda of two world wars, and had little relevance to facts. Should I be angry at their ignorance and thus close the door in their face, so to speak, -leaving them to their false beliefs? Or should I be tolerant and even laugh at their image of Germans, while proving to them that Germans were just people like anybody else with faults and characteristics which easily lend themselves to jokes and criticism as well as admiration.
 Some things are outright lies and other things, referring to nationalities and races, are quite true. We all have to live with genetic imprints, mannerisms and common characteristics. Can't we just recognize them for what they are and be freely able to make light of them?
 That these traits are not necessarily the whole person should be obvious and if people are unable to see the "whole picture" right away, it certainly doesn't mean that they are racists or Anti-Semites, or German haters, but that they simply are not very bright. 

 Propaganda is an evil that we all should recognize and understand.-Especially political propaganda, aimed at mobilizing people against an 'enemy,' who has done them no personal harm, is mostly a mixture of outright lies and exaggeration of facts into hate inspiring distortions, aimed at the 'lowest' instincts of our human nature.

 Anyhow, my grandfather called me a little "Jew" in good-natured fun and I didn't even know what a "Jew" was.
Naturally I asked him, but he wasn't able to explain it to me satisfactorily. This happened because I was after money 'like the devil after a soul, (Wie der Teufel nach der Seele), before I read about Jesus Christ.
 When I started to emulate Jesus as a 'disciple,' I took all my money (which wasn't worth anything since, unknown to me, it consisted of old German 'Reichsmark' and gave it with a grand gesture to my mother, instructing her solemnly to give it to the poor, because I didn't need it anymore as a follower of Jesus.
 Strangely enough, this attitude has become part of me ever since. Even 'psychics' have told me that I need to change my attitude towards money and possessions in order to draw the 'good things' in life to me. During the readings I knew immediately what they were talking about and where it originated.
 Still, even knowing this, I have a difficult time with money, income, possessions and worldly power even now.

To Continue "A Gnostic Childhood," Go To Page 6

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